On Marriage

Today I was browsing Facebook when I got a message from an old friend. It said she needed to talk with me right away. She'd left her husband.


My heart sank.


Since we've been in touch over the last few months she's told me about how her marriage of seven years hasn't been all that she dreamed it would be. Now, I don't consider myself a marriage expert at all. All I really know is that it takes work by both people. At times it takes a lot of effort and at other times it just is right and easy.

Of course, I am just getting one side of the story from this friend and there are always two sides to a story. From what she tells me her husband is stuck in the 1940s or 50s where the wife does all the work and he sits in his favorite chair and watches the news or game. But it's not the 1940s and generally, both husband and wife work. When both people work it makes a wife feel like she's doing it all. Working, doing the household stuff and taking care of the kids. That's a lot on one person's plate.

Of course, I am a stay-at-home mum. I just work two days a week for maybe 10 hours total in a week. I do a lot around the house, but I consider that my full-time job. When we both worked, things were split down the middle as best as it could be. We both helped with washing and putting away the dishes, we both did the laundry and we both shared the cleaning of the house. Then there were things we did separately. Adam mowed the lawn and shoveled the driveway (while I can shovel the driveway, I can't start a lawn mower to save my life). I cooked the dinner and ironed the clothes. I've also always been the bookkeeper.

Then when I came to stay at home, things changed. Probably the only things Adam still does is mow the lawn, shovel the driveway and help put the dishes away. I do the rest. Like I said, I consider that my full-time job these days and I don't mind. When I really need help, I ask and I get it.

Before we got married we always said divorce was not an option. There is counseling, things can be worked out. We'd sort of laid out this plan, too. It was THE PLAN and in the original PLAN, I wasn't supposed to work at all while staying home, but things change and you adapt.

Now, all that said, things haven't always been all roses. There have been times I've been so frustrated with Adam and his idea of the floor being a "low shelf" on which he stored clean and dirty laundry that I wanted to scream at him. But I didn't. I'm sure he's been annoyed many a night when he comes home and finds that I haven't bothered to cook dinner and suggest he have a hot dog or sandwich. And I'm sure he's been annoyed on days when he goes to get dressed for work and can't find a shirt or pair of pants. But he's always been gentle with me, even to the point of wearing wrinkled clothes, much to my pure horror.

That said, it's not like we've never yelled or fought, but we have always been able to resolve things. In fact, our first fight about a dust pan being in the sink is now the biggest joke between us.

So it breaks my heart to know that my friend has given up. But I get that she's been talking to a wall for over seven years. I just hope things will sort themselves out. I want the best for both her and her husband and their little boy.

While the distance separates us, I am glad she was able to talk to me. I just hope I was a source of encouragement.

So after our conversation yesterday, I had this song running through my head. "Can you reach my friend, you're the only one who can. Lord, I know that you love her, help her understand...."