On being a mommy

Okay, I am supposed to be taking a nap right now. I can't tell you why I'm not taking a nap. The most likely reason is because I wanted to write and since Ryan is sleeping, it's the perfect time.

This week has been a little tough for me. First, Adam went back to work on Monday, though he had been working his part-time job since Friday of last week. The first two mornings, I cried when he left. The thought of being alone with baby seemed overwhelming. I know that my job right now doesn't seem too difficult. The job description is to simply, love, diaper and feed Ryan and to take naps. How can that be so hard? It all comes down to lack of sleep. When you're tired, everything seems a lot bigger; more challenging.

On Tuesday, we awoke to find that Ryan had a yucky crusty, goopy eye. After calling the doctor we were scheduled to see her that afternoon. He also had to get blood work done at the hospital (they think he has hypothyroidism, but that it's because I had hyperthyroidism during pregnancy and that my meds may have given false readings on his tests at the hospital) so I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone and eliminate the doctor's appointment I was supposed to have today.

I arrived at the hospital with almost two hours to spare before the doctor's appointment, only to be late for that appointment because it took them what seemed like a million pricks in his tiny arms (they said they could collect the blood from his heel when we left the hospital last week) and about two hours. At first, I was with him. But because I almost passed out and was balling my eyes out thinking about how he was so little and how it must scare and hurt him so much, I sat wringing my hands in the waiting room for about an hour and a half of the two hour ordeal.

I wasn't happy when I arrived at the doctor's office to discover they had put the bandages where they attempted to draw blood from him on so tight that his arm was purple either. But, it was nice to be in the company of familiar faces. It's amazing how close you can feel to your doctor and the nurse after you've spent nine months visiting them. Ryan weighed 7 lbs and 9 1/2 oz at this visit, which is good. He's almost back to birth weight, so at least this breastfeeding thing is working, though I have resorted to pumping because we have latch on issues.

Anyway, the doctor came to look at his eye and said if it was infected he would have to go back to the hospital. That only got me crying more, which I think scared her a little and so the questions started about me and how I am handling being a new mom. And like I said, it all boils down to lack of sleep, but when I should be sleeping, like now, I can't and I'm doing other things like writing or watching television.

Today, we had to see a specialist for Ryan's yucky eye. He has a clogged tear duct that basically just needs some tender loving care. We left that office a little frustrated because Adam had lost a half day of work coming with me to be my emotional support and because it took WAY too long for them to see us. It's nice to know that Adam works with such nice people that when we got there they reassured us that while he may have been needed, they understand that family comes first.

On another note, my parents arrive this weekend. This means they can sit with me in the waiting room next week while Ryan once again has a blood test to check on his thyroid issues. And, I won't feel all alone while Adam's at work. I'll at least have my mom helping me figure out if I have Ryan dressed appropriately for the weather and that kind of thing.

Until then, I'll have comfort in the fact that other mothers understand some of what I feel. Babies are so little and we want the best for them and it seems hard to do just that, though I know I am doing what's best for him by tackling these medical issues right away. Being a mommy is hard, but it's so rewarding when you can kiss and cuddle your little one and know that he feels safe with you.